zia mina's divine comedy

animalstalkinginallcaps: I’M NOT POUTING AND I’M NOT BEING...

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 19:00:11 -0400

I’M NOT POUTING AND I’M NOT BEING WEIRD. I SIMPLY DON’T SEE THE POINT OF PRETENDING TO ENJOY LIFE WHILE GAME OF THRONES ISN’T ON TV.

animalstalkinginallcaps: AND THAT IS MY ONLY COMMANDMENT, THAT...

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 18:55:34 -0400

animalstalkinginallcaps:

AND THAT IS MY ONLY COMMANDMENT, THAT YOU LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND REFRAIN FROM PETTY INFIGHTING AND RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO LET RELATIVE ANONYMITY MAKE YOU UNREASONABLY AND INEXPLICABLY CRUEL.

“You’re not the real God. You suck.” -tumblr user ButtPoop666

I AM NOT THE CHRISTIAN GOD, BUTTPOOP666. I AM THE GOD OF THE INTERNET, MEOWEH.

Ur ugly & nobody lieks u! -@IHATEFATCHICKS99

WAIT, STOP. I AM BENEVOLENT AND KIND. AND FUZZY.

STUPID CAT GOD WANTS TO END SNARK. IS THE AARON SORKIN OF HEAVEN. -Gawker

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I AM A FORCE OF LOVE AND KINDNESS, WITH ADORABLE LITTLE PAWS AND BIG-

“Y U No hav a boyfran?”

OH FUCK YOU.

animalstalkinginallcaps: MODERN LIVING IS A SERIES OF...

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 18:59:02 -0400

animalstalkinginallcaps:

MODERN LIVING IS A SERIES OF FLOUNDERING STRUGGLES AGAINST IMPOSSIBLY STRONG CURRENTS, SUBMERGING OUR BETTER NATURES BENEATH FRENZIED WAVES OF OPPRESSION AND DISILLUSIONMENT. EVEN WHEN WE MANAGE, SO INFREQUENTLY, TO STAY AFLOAT, THE CLAMOR OF FOOLISH VOICES, THE TUMULTUOUS HOWLS OF THE WEAK, AND THE MONOTONOUS DRONE OF THE POWERS THAT BE ARE ALL BOUND UP TOGETHER IN A UNIFIED, UNCEASING TONE THAT BEATS UPON THE EARDRUMS EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY, EVEN IN SLUMBER.

AND THAT’S WHY I DRINK JULIUS KESSLER’S FINE AMERICAN WHISKEY. IT’S “SMOOTH AS SILK” AND TASTES GREAT BEFORE OR AFTER NOON!

DO BE DO BE DOOOOO.

LA LA LA.

animalstalkinginallcaps: FASCISTS, MAN. PASSING ALL THEIR...

Tue, 15 May 2012 01:08:41 -0400

animalstalkinginallcaps:

FASCISTS, MAN. PASSING ALL THEIR LITTLE LAWS. LAYING DOWN THEIR LITTLE RULES. RESTRICTING MY FREEDOMS.

“YOU CAN’T SMOKE POT IN FRONT OF A DAY CARE CENTER.”

“YOU CAN’T ROLL A JOINT AT 7-11.”

“YOU NEED TO GET A JOB IF YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE. AND STOP SMOKING WEED IN THE SHED. YOU’RE 28.”

“DON’T LIGHT THAT RIGHT NEXT TO THE PROPANE TANKS. YOU’LL KILL US ALL.”

I BET YOU DIDN’T TAKE THE POOL INTO ACCOUNT WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING YOUR LITTLE OPPRESSIONS.

IT’S CALLED MARITIME LAW, MY FRIENDS. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO HERE.

can’t wait to open my pool

animalstalkinginallcaps: HELLO, AND WELCOME. IT’S GOOD TO SEE...

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 16:30:42 -0400

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HELLO, AND WELCOME. IT’S GOOD TO SEE SO MANY SMILING FACES IN THE PEWS TODAY. NOW, IT’S IMPORTANT THAT WE GET BACK TO GOOD OLD FASHIONED CHRISTIAN VALUES IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I THINK THE BEST WAY WE CAN DO THAT IS TO FOCUS ON THE PARTS OF THE BIBLE THAT OCCUR BEFORE CHRIST. THAT’S WHY WE’RE CHRISTIANS. BECAUSE CHRIST ISN’T IMPORTANT. WE NEED TO FOCUS ON THE PRIMITIVE, SUPERSTITIOUS, DEPLORABLE PARTS OF THE OLD TESTAMENT THAT ALLOW US TO BE AS FAR REMOVED FROM THE NAMESAKE OF OUR CHOSEN RELIGION AS POSSIBLE SO THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO DO THINGS LIKE EXPLAIN GAY PEOPLE OR ECONOMIC DISPARITY TO OUR KIDS WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY SHITTING ON THE POOR AND REDUCING WOMEN AND BLACKS TO THE LEVEL OF PROPERTY, STRIPPED OF THEIR HARD-WON RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS.

WHAT WE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT DO IS ACKNOWLEDGE THE TEACHINGS AND WISDOM OF THE NEW TESTAMENT, WHICH IS THE BOOK OUR RELIGION DRAWS ITS NAME FROM. THAT WOULD JUST BE SILLY, AND WE’D HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO … EVERYONE, BASICALLY, FOR BEING ENORMOUS, UNREPENTANT ASSHOLES WHO PLACE PERSONAL PROFIT AND COMFORT OVER THE RIGHTS AND NEEDS OF THE MANY.

I CAN SEE A LOT OF YOU HERE TODAY ARE GOING TO START ASKING THE SAME KIND OF QUESTIONS THAT GOT JESUS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, AND I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU: WHAT ARE YOU, SOCIALISTS? STOP ROCKING THE BOAT. IF YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON. AMEN.

animalstalkinginallcaps: EXCUSE ME. DON’T MEAN TO BOTHER YOU...

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 11:35:42 -0500

animalstalkinginallcaps:

EXCUSE ME. DON’T MEAN TO BOTHER YOU BUT YOUR HOOK IS SNAGGED ON MY SPANX.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST ADMITTED THAT.

I know most of you don’t give a shit, but in case you were...

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:49:11 -0400

I know most of you don’t give a shit, but in case you were wondering why those pesky Palestinians won’t just shut the fuck up, take a look at the maps.

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

pretty much the only explanation…

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 00:25:47 -0400

pretty much the only explanation…

Wonder why Palestinians are so anxious to have their own...

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 07:45:00 -0400

Wonder why Palestinians are so anxious to have their own country? Take a look at the two maps…perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the longer they wait, the less there is….

sippingonhaterade: vodkadrunkenski: slushy: RIP NANCY...

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:43:32 -0400

sippingonhaterade:

vodkadrunkenski:

slushy:

RIP NANCY WAKE (30 August 1912 – 7 August 2011)

Ms Wake, who has died in London just before her 99th birthday, was a New Zealander brought up in Australia. She became a nurse, a journalist who interviewed Adolf Hitler, a wealthy French socialite, a British agent and a French resistance leader. She led 7,000 guerrilla fighters in battles against the Nazis in the northern Auvergne, just before the D-Day landings in 1944. On one occasion, she strangled an SS sentry with her bare hands. On another, she cycled 500 miles to replace lost codes. In June 1944, she led her fighters in an attack on the Gestapo headquarters at Montlucon in central France.

Work began earlier this month on a feature film about Nancy Wake’s life. Ms Wake, one of the models for Sebastian Faulks’ fictional heroine, Charlotte Gray, had mixed feelings about previous cinematic efforts to portray her wartime exploits, including a TV mini-series made in 1987.

“It was well-acted but in parts it was extremely stupid,” she said. “At one stage they had me cooking eggs and bacon to feed the men. For goodness’ sake, did the Allies parachute me into France to fry eggs and bacon for the men? There wasn’t an egg to be had for love nor money. Even if there had been why would I be frying it? I had men to do that sort of thing.”

Ms Wake was also furious the TV series suggested she had had a love affair with one of her fellow fighters. She was too busy killing Nazis for amorous entanglements, she said.

Even before she escaped to Britain, through Spain, in 1943 to train as a guerrilla leader, Nancy had been top of the Gestapo’s French “wanted” list. With her husband, she ran a resistance network which helped to smuggle Jews and allied airmen out of the country.

Nancy recalled later in life that her parachute had snagged in a tree. The French resistance fighter who freed her said he wished all trees bore “such beautiful fruit”. Nancy retorted: “Don’t give me that French shit.”

WHAT A BALLER.

melanchali: Today Ellen had a petite soiree on the quai to...

Sun, 29 May 2011 00:16:31 -0400

melanchali:

Today Ellen had a petite soiree on the quai to celebrate her birthday and her impending departure for an international academic adventure. Each guest having been instructed to bring a food from their culture of origin, I could think of no better way to represent the American core value of winning at everything than with this enormous ostentatious flag cake. Sitting neatly amongst crepes, German marble cake and Czech prune cookies, it was heralded by many an appropriate cry from Adina (“WHO WANTS A SLICE OF LIBERTY??”) and generally admired and appreciated. That said, motherfucker was huge, and we had a lot left at the end of the picnic.

Luckily, en route from the fete at about 1:30 am, we came across a scene that filled my heart with nostalgia for high school: a large group of loitering adolescent boys, glazed by what I am choosing to project was a toxic mixture of 99 apple, Gatorade and smoldering self-loathing but which in actuality was probably just a bottle or two of Armagnac lifted from somebody’s grandmother. Suddenly, all eyes were on me; more specifically, all eyes were on 3/4 of a flag cake that happened to be in my possession. Somebody drunkenly complained about being hungry and asked me to share, in no way expecting me to respond, but I was carrying a blatantly ridiculous amount of cake and felt it my patriotic duty to share Old Glory with those less sober than I. So I offered them some.

For a second they looked at me as if I were Christ, Santa Claus and Lady Liberty rolled into one. Then one of them approached and took a piece, and suddenly they were upon us with the joy of a thousand Tea Party members loosed on a racially segregated, biblically themed amusement park. Between shouts of “Shit’s straight out of a pastry shop!” (French boy) and “THIS IS WHAT FREEDOM TASTES LIKE” (Adina), the cake all but disappeared in a flurry, leaving us to walk home singing the Star Spangled Banner at a frankly inappropriate decibel.

And that, my friends, is the story of the second American liberation of Paris, exacted by A.A. and A.B. on the eve of the former’s return to the United States.

In short, as I hurtle towards the abrupt end of an incredible year, I am grateful… but I can’t say France has nothing to thank me for. All told, bitches, it was I who let them eat cake.

barely

Mon, 16 May 2011 21:24:30 -0400

barely

even better…

Tue, 03 May 2011 10:50:20 -0400

even better…

hahahahahahaha

Tue, 03 May 2011 10:46:46 -0400

hahahahahahaha

Yup. This just about says it all.

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 01:02:00 -0400

Yup. This just about says it all.

sippingonhaterade: “I think it’s fair to say that their vision...

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 00:39:37 -0400

sippingonhaterade:

“I think it’s fair to say that their vision is radical. No, I don’t think it’s particularly courageous. Because the last point I’ll make is this. Nothing is easier than solving a problem on the backs of people who are poor or people who are powerless or don’t have lobbyists or don’t have clout. I don’t think that’s particularly courageous.”

Right on, Mr. President. The Republicans’ pathetic plan to cut down on spending (which tackles only a tiny portion of the budget, btw) is as cowardly as it gets. Tell it like it is Barack. I’m listening. I just hope the rest of this country is too.

Read it and Weep

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 18:45:36 -0500

“We all agree with the Taliban.”—Rush Limbaugh, October 9, 2009

“America’s primary international enemy—Islamic radicalism—insists on government by theocracy, curtails civil liberties, embraces torture, represses women, wants to eradicate homosexuals from society, and insists on the use of force over diplomacy. Remind you of a certain American political party? In American Taliban, Markos Moulitsas pulls no punches as he compares how the Republican Party and Islamic radicals maintain similar worldviews and tactics. Moutlitsas also challenges the media, fellow progressives, and our elected officials to call the radical right on their jihadist tactics more forcefully for the good of our nation and safety of all citizens.” (Amazon.com book review)

I thought I invented the term “American Taliban”, but evidently I did not. I just bought this book and can’t wait to pass it on…who’s first?

after all, the republicans do have a plan…

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 12:51:01 -0500

after all, the republicans do have a plan…

Newt...s

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 18:08:21 -0500

“Like all members of the order Caudata, newts are characterised by a frog-like body with four equal sized limbs and a distinct tail. Aquatic larvae have true teeth on both upper and lower jaws, and external gills.^[2] They have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws. The cells at the site of the injury have the ability to de-differentiate, reproduce rapidly, and differentiate again to create a new limb or organ. One theory is that the de-differentiated cells are related to tumour cells since chemicals which produce tumours in other animals will produce additional limbs in newts.^”

So newts can regenerate themselves pretty much ad infinitum by employing chemicals that are toxic to every other life form. So that which could kill us, only makes him stronger. Shit. Now I understand. Thanks, Wikipedia.

The Brotherhood

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 13:31:02 -0500

Once again I find myself seething with rage over the antics of the duplicitous Republican Brotherhood. After whipping themselves into an absolute fetal frenzy over abortion, they seem hell bent on destroying the very lives they supposedly wanted to save. Cutting nutrition and health care for pregnant women and infants? I thought human life was too precious to throw away. Evidently once the critter is out of the womb, it’s fair game. Eventually that child will grow up and be able to think, and that is when the danger begins. Unless, of course, you cut funding to education, PBS and anything else that purports to enlighten people. And by all means, vilify teachers. Stupid kids are more easily manipulated, especially when the public school system has been dissolved and charter schools can take their place. There the Brotherhood can eradicate the teaching of all sciences and once again, dinosaurs can walk the earth with man.

The Republican Brotherhood likes to talk about the “elite”. They are referring of course to anyone who doesn’t think they way they do, particularly those with an education from a liberal university. Suddenly, dropping out of high school, dabbling in a few courses at a community college is the way to enlightenment…as long as Jesus is on your shoulder. You can take your hypertensive medication and go see your doctors about your erectile dysfunction, but deep inside, you know you are smarter than they are. Their colleagues may have developed those drugs that keep you alive and make your flaccid life a little better, but what do they know? Of course there are more “elites” than just doctors and scientists. If you’ve read anything more than the Bible, you’re headed there. If you can speak more than one language you are either an elite or an illegal, possibly both. If art strays beyond Norman Rockwell, you are in dangerous territory. And if you are not a card carrying member of the Walmart Church of Christ, well then it’s hell-fire and damnation for you, because you are definitely an elitist.

Like all good brotherhoods, the Republican Brotherhood holds itself above the laws they wish to establish. They may seek to legislate “morality”, especially when it involves women, but they will continue to debauch and defraud the way they always have. There will always be sex, drugs and…well, country music for this fraternity of bad boys. They outwardly promote fidelity and abstinence, but they continue to cheat on their wives while murmuring about the sanctity of marriage into the ears of a willing American public. They spout “Christian” values, but have conveniently forgotten that their man Jesus extolled that “whatever you do to the least of my people, you do unto me”. As I recall, he tossed the money lenders out of the temple, not the women and children. And since when did the accumulation of worldly goods become a Christian imperative? I’m pretty sure that Jesus would rather see health insurance for teachers than more golden toilets for the wealthy.

Yeah, I am pretty disgusted with the Republican Brotherhood. The question is, are you?